I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
