I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
