i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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