Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We just shotgunned beers for America
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
