Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
handjob tips. give me some.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
