i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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