i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize