You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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