On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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