made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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