You can't special order awesome
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
