2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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