I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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