I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
