The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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