apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
