Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
