My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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