Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
