sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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