Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just pee around me
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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