Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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