well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
