It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
