are you so shy because you have an std?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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