i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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