I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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