Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
