Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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