Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
