Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize