You just made me feel so damn special
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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