Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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