she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
