Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
