I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
