I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
