I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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