I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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