He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
