This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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