Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize