first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
