In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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