If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
