I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I love having hate sex.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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