Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
