i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
