so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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