So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
