listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
