Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
