Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
