So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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