i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
