i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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